Help! My Toddler Hit Me: Handling Aggression with Calm

You are at a playdate in Willow Glen. Your toddler is playing nicely with a friend. Suddenly, over a dispute about a blue truck, WHACK. Your child hits the other child.

The silence is deafening. You feel embarrassed. You feel judged. You wonder, "Is my child a bully?"

At Sunny Child Care, we want you to know: Hitting is normal toddler behavior. It is not a sign of a "bad seed." It is a sign of an undeveloped prefrontal cortex. They have big feelings and zero impulse control.

However, just because it is normal doesn't mean we ignore it. Here is how to handle it calmly and effectively.

1. Stop the Behavior (Safety First)

Don't yell from across the room. Move in close.

• The Action: Gently but firmly hold their hand to stop the hit.
• The Phrase: "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts."
• Tone: Calm, low, and serious. Not angry. You are a sturdy leader, not a scary giant.

2. Validate the Feeling (The "Why")

Usually, they hit because they are frustrated. If you punish them immediately, they feel misunderstood and scream louder.

• The Phrase: "You are mad! You wanted the blue truck."
• Why: When you name the feeling, you calm the brain's alarm system. You are saying, "I see you. I get it."

3. Teach the Alternative (The Skill)

They hit because they don't know what else to do. Give them a script.

• The Phrase: "You can say, 'My turn, please'." OR "You can come tell Mommy."
• For Pre-verbal Toddlers: Teach them to sign "Please" or simply help them find another toy.

What NOT to Do

• Don't hit them back: "See how that feels?" This only teaches them that hitting is okay when you are big/angry.
• Don't force a fake apology: A mumbled "sorry" means nothing to a toddler. Instead, model repair: "Let's get Johnny an ice pack."

Consistency is Key

It might happen again tomorrow. And the next day. Repetition is how toddlers learn. Keep holding the boundary. "I won't let you hit."

Eventually, the impulse control will kick in (usually around age 3.5-4). Until then, your calm presence is their best teacher.

Learn about our social-emotional curriculum