He Won't Share! Why We Teach Turn-Taking Instead

You are at the sandbox in Cupertino. Your child is happily digging with the only red shovel. Another child approaches and wants it. You feel the pressure. You don't want to raise a "selfish" kid. So you say, "Share with your friend! Give him the shovel." Your child screams and clutches the shovel tighter.

At Sunny Child Care, we see this dynamic every day. And here is a secret: Toddlers don't understand sharing. Sharing is an abstract concept that requires empathy ("I care about how you feel"). That part of their brain isn't built yet.

Instead of forcing "sharing" (which feels like robbery to a toddler), we teach "Turn-Taking." Here is the difference.

1. The Problem with "Forced Sharing"

Imagine you are texting on your phone. Suddenly, I walk up and demand, "Share your phone with me!" You would say no. You are using it. When we force a child to give up a toy they are actively using, we interrupt their focus and teach them that their work doesn't matter. It breeds resentment, not generosity.

2. The "Long Turn" Strategy

Instead of "Give it now," try "When you are done."

• The Script: To the waiting child: "Johnny is using the red shovel right now. You can have a turn when he is done."
• The Script: To your child: "I see you are digging. When you are finished, Sarah would like a turn."
• The Result: Your child relaxes. They don't have to guard the toy. Paradoxically, when they feel secure, they usually give it up faster.

3. Use a Visual Timer

If the wait is too long (e.g., for a popular swing), use a timer.

• The Tool: Use your phone timer or a sand timer.
• The Rule: "2 more minutes, then it is Sarah's turn."
• Why: It removes you as the "bad guy." The timer says time is up, not Mommy.

4. Practice "Trading"

Sometimes, a trade works wonders.

• The Strategy: Encourage the waiting child to offer a different toy.
• The Script: "Maybe Johnny would trade the shovel for this blue bucket? Let's ask."
• The Lesson: Negotiation! This is a high-level social skill.

Generosity Comes from Abundance

True generosity comes when a child feels their needs are met. By protecting their right to play, you fill their cup. Eventually, they will offer the toy willingly. And when they do, praise them! "Wow, you gave Sarah a turn. That was very kind."

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