Big Brother, Big Sister: Preparing Your Toddler for a New Baby

Congratulations! Your family is growing. But as you look at your toddler—who currently demands 100% of your attention—you might feel a knot of anxiety. "How are they going to handle sharing me?"

In San Jose, where many families are expanding, this is a top concern. We often see toddlers regress (wanting a bottle again, having accidents) when a new sibling arrives.

The goal isn't to prevent jealousy (that's impossible). The goal is to help them cope with it. Here are 3 ways to prepare them before the baby arrives.

1. Stop Blaming the Baby (Before They Even Arrive)

It is easy to say, "Mommy can't pick you up because the baby is heavy," or "We can't go to the park because the baby is tired."

• The Problem: This teaches the toddler that the baby is a nuisance who ruins their fun.
• The Fix: Use "I" statements. "My back hurts today, so I will sit down and cuddle you." "We are staying home to rest." Leave the baby out of the excuse.

2. Practice with a Doll

Toddlers learn through play.

• The Strategy: Buy a realistic baby doll.
• The Activity: Practice "gentle touches." Show them how to support the head.
• Role Play: When you change the doll's diaper, talk to it. "Oh, baby is crying. Let's see what he needs." This normalizes the caretaking activities they will see you do.

3. Highlight the "Big Kid" Privileges

Being a baby is actually boring. They just sleep and cry. Being a big kid is cool!

• The Strategy: Point out things only they can do.
• The Script: "The baby has to drink milk, but YOU get to eat pizza!" "The baby has to stay in the crib, but YOU can go down the slide!"
• Why: It makes them feel lucky to be older, rather than replaced.

4. The "Gift from the Baby"

When they first meet in the hospital or at home, have a gift ready.

• The Trick: Have the baby "give" the toddler a present (a new truck, a doll, a coloring book).
• The Message: "This new person brings good things into my life!"

Love Multiplies, It Doesn't Divide

Remind your toddler often: "My heart is like a muscle. It grows bigger so I can love you AND the baby." There will be bumps in the road. But watching your children become friends is one of the greatest joys of parenthood.

Learn about our mixed-age play groups